Reasons Why We Can't Live On the Executor
by Dark Lady of the Circus
Summary: Welcome to the lives of Anna and Caroline. A couple of girls are let loose on the Executor, and no one is safe. Includes the cannot miss: Christmas on the Executor!
1. A Padme Imitation and a Man Thong

A/N: Trust me, it's not the typical tale of teenage girls let loose in the fandom universe of their choice. I've written a couple of those, and I know the difference. R&R, please

-----

"Yo! Big V! What's up?" This was Caroline. She was less of a superfan than Anna, but had honed the art of being annoying to a very fine point.

"My name is _not _'Big V.' Do not call me that," Darth Vader snarled.

"Sure thing, Big V," Anna chimed in. Anna was a superfan with hair that could do any of Leia or Padme's styles, and a ghetto butt that she could close doors with.

Darth Vader growled. He had had about enough of Anna and Caroline. They had been picked up by a fighter from something called Camp Skyline Talent Show. The act they had been doing was considered disrespectful to the Empire, so the girls had been brought to Vader. Where they proceeded to find his last cybernetic nerve and jump on it.

"Something wrong, Lord Vader?" Anna asked with actual compassion. Caroline had disappeared, which meant that she was probably fondling his cape again.

"Caroline..." Darth Vader growled menacingly, dragging her out from behind him with the Force. When she was in front of him, he clenched his hand into a fist.

Caroline clutched at her throat, and emitted an, "Ack!" the standard strangling noise of the _Star Wars _universe.

"Are you really getting strangled by Darth Vader?" Anna asked excitedly.

Caroline dropped her hands. "No," she said, disappointed, and the girls walked off, arguing about whether Luke and Leia were inbred. Anna nearly tripped over storm trooper BR-339.2, who Vader had strangled by mistake.

-----

It was only a matter of time before it happened. Anna and Caroline had gone underground for a couple of hours, which could only mean they were planning something big. The stormies who bet on that made some money.

The door to the bridge, where Vader was standing alone--brooding, a standard tortured movie villain activity--slid open. The unsuspecting Sith Lord had his back to the door. The only one he was expecting was Admiral Piett, who was about as much of a threat to him as a jelly donut. "Admiral," he began. "Perhaps you should learn how to be prompt in--" Vader broke off. Whoever was on the bridge with him, it wasn't Piett. For one thing, there were two sets of footsteps, and they did not sound like regulation boots. They sounded quite like...high heels, actually. So, unless Piett had grown an extra set of legs and become a cross-dresser, Vader had a new situation to deal with. He slowly turned around, and there she was. Padme. In all the glory of her Queen of Naboo days, stripe of lipstick and all. Vader's breathing sped up. He had no idea how the love of his life was here, but the how didn't matter. That she was there was good enough, more than good enough for him. Then he looked closer at Padme. This Padme was shorter. And he didn't recall his wife being that well endowed. And her hair color wasn't right either. It was far too blond for Padme. "Anna..." he growled, even more menacingly that when he was trying to detach Caroline from his cape.

Speaking of Caroline, she soon appeared from behind Anna's huge skirt. While Anna was designed to look like the real thing, a blind man would be able to spot Caroline was fake three miles away, which was quite the point. She was walking on her knees, and spray painted an awful, vomit-like shade of green. On her head was a curly-haired grandma wig, and she was using a canoe paddle as a walking stick. "Harm Anna E., you shall not," she declared.

"Tell me, young one, how are you going to stop me?"

"Think of that in a minute, I will."

Admiral Piett chose that moment to enter the room. "Umm... Lord Vader..." he said uncertainly, slowly walking over to where Vader and the two girls were standing.

"What is it, Admiral?" Vader asked softly. He was about fed up with admirals disappointing him.

"Well...it's about...umm... What in the name of the Empire are Queen Amidala and Master Yoda doing on board?"

Before Vader could tell Piett that it was only Anna and Caroline, or even make a thinly veiled threat, it was done. Anna grabbed one side, Caroline the other, and they pulled.

At this, something that had never taken place before happened. Darth Vader began snickering. The girls were snickering too, and soon all three of them were consumed by hysterical laughter. Anna and Caroline both had to lean on Vader's 7-foot tall fiberglass frame to keep from collapsing. Anna wound up on the floor anyway.

"It's not _that _funny!" Piett, now with a flaming red face, protested.

"Oh, yes it is, Admiral," Vader said, and began laughing again.

"Admiral Piett wears a man thong!" Anna taunted.

"You've got dimples, Admiral," added Caroline.

Anna and Caroline had pantsed Admiral Piett.

Vader began, "So Admiral..."

Admiral Piett could take taunts from 15 year old girls all day long. He didn't like it, but he could take it. What he couldn't take, though, was taunts from a middle-aged, cybernetic Sith Lord. With his pants still around his ankles, Admiral Piett ran off the bridge.

Caroline looked at Anna, who was still prone on the ground, then up to Vader, then back at Anna. "Should I help her up?" she asked.

"It would be the honorable thing to do," Darth Vader answered, inclining his head to look at Anna as welll.

Caroline started walking away.

"Just kidding," she said after a few steps. "I'll help you." She walked back over and grabbed Anna's hands, to lever her friend upright. She didn't take into accounts Anna's butt, though. Anna got about a foot off the ground when Caroline overbalanced and fell. She didn't fall, though, she more like flew over Anna, flipping in midair to land on her back (sort of) at an extremely awkward angle. They heard several thuds and at least one crunch. She maintained all her life that Darth Vader had something to do with it.

"Are you all right?" Anna asked Caroline after Vader helped both of them up.

Caroline laughed. "It's my body to misuse how I will." She looked at Anna significantly. "Should we?"

"Should you what?" Vader asked cautiously.

"Yeah," Anna replied, then continued, "We were going to do this a lot earlier, but Piett got in the way. Sooo..."

Vader had no idea where they were going with this, but would've never seen where they really went. They started skipping in circles around him then...burst into song. "Darth Vader is a real cool guy/Down with the dark side and so am I/He lives on the Death Star with the Emperor/He's the father of Luke Skywalker."

Jump, jump, jump, they went.


	2. It's Christmastime on the Executor

For the next few months, things went on like this, but they toned it down slightly because they really wanted Vader to teach them how to use the Force and the nifty light swords. But soon it was Christmastime, and Anna and Caroline weren't about to let that go uncelebrated.

Step one was the decorating. They ran through the halls with tinsel. They gently wafted crepe paper in people's quarters. They hung mistletoe. They carried a tree onto the bridge, hung jingle bells on people, and put reindeer antlers on others. It was a whirlwind of Christmas chaos. No one knew what—or why—it was happening.

Then they found the intercom.

It started innocuously enough. "We love you, Piett, oh yes we do, we love you, Piett, and we'll be true. When you're not with us we're blu-u-ue, oh, Piett, we love you!"

Then it truly began. "Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Mappy Christmashanukwanzika!"

Caroline laughed. "For those of you who don't know about Christmas—so, all of you—here's the basics. You decorate with trees and lights and tinsel and all sorts of other stuff—either shiny or red and green. And on December 25 you exchange gifts.:

"And the mistletoe," Anna said. "The prickly green things with the red berries hanging from the ceiling. If you and someone else are under the toe, you have to kiss. Even you, Lord Vader."

"Now, please enjoy the music while your party is reached."

Christmas music blared over the speakers. Anything. Everything. From "O Holy Night" to "Jingle Bell Rock." If it was Christmas related, it played. At first, it was all new and exciting,but after a solid week of Christmas music with no end in sight (it was three weeks away), the crew started getting the teensiest bit irritated. Near the end of week two, Vader disabled the intercom, so Anna and Caroline walked around with boom boxes.

-----

Midway through week two, all the crew got a reminder to buy gifts for their friends, the superiors they want to suck up to, and the lovely ladies who made Christmas possible for the _Executor_, and if they would put all their gifts in storage bay 3F, Santa would distribute them.

As the day got closer, the pile of gifts grew from puddle to ocean size. "We're screwed," Caroline said, looking at the mess. "How are we gonna deliver this in one night?"

The waded into the mass and went to work on sorting the presents into nice, orderly piles

-----

Darth Vader used to stride through his ship with a purpose, to the strains of the _Imperial March_, taking pleasure in seeing his men cower. Not any longer. Lately his walk has been cautious. He's making sure that there are no plants around. He had seen enough awkward encounters under that blasted mistletoe over the past few weeks. _Better safe than sorry, I guess_, he thought. _But now they're not nearly as scared of me. How could this happen to me? I'm still intimidating without the _March_. Right?_

Vader caught sight of a calendar, which interrupted his thoughts. _Tomorrow's Christmas? This thing will be over soon? Excellent!_

Katie, one of the ship's only human female crew members, was walking down the hall the other way and stopped at the calendar as well. "Tomorrow's Christmas? Shut the front door! I haven't got any presents yet!" She was about to hurry off when who came moseying up but Anna and Caroline, of course.

Anna only had to say two words. "Look up."

-----

Christmas Eve. Not only the time of frenzied gift-buying, but so much more. The decorations—which were looking sad and decrepit—got a much-needed facelift, and the lights came on. Santas, reindeer, angels, snowmen, bells, sleighs, snowflakes, stockings, lighted trees, and just ordinary strings of lights. They glowed, they shimmered, they blinked, they strobed, and did all manner of other things. Whenever Vader saw one of them it was like a big, long nail was being nailed into his skull. As the day went on, however, the nail became noticeably shorter, and he even caught himself singing along to "Let It Snow."

Darth Vader had the Christmas spirit.

-----

At 2230 December 24, storage bay 3F was closed. A polite notice taped to the door read:

Sorry. If you haven't turned in your stuff by now, you lose. Oh, well. It's not our problem. Love, Anna and Caroline

Inside there was a riot of presents. The stacks of the day before were completely gone.

They resort everything, figuring out partway through that time went much faster if they sang stuff. By the end of "Yoda" at least 20 storm troopers were listening outside the door. During "Popular," Anna stuck her head out the door and frightened off by threatening to show them, "The proper ploys when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce. (ooh!)"

Eventually, everything was organized with minimum damdage, then they realized the sad fact. Nobody got Lord Vader anything.

Anna and Caroline cobbled together stuff they thought he'd like, or at least have use for. A jar of polish, _Lightsabers for Dummies_, an old holo-picture of Padme, and a few other things. Caroline tossed in a pack of condoms. Ribbed.

Anna rolled her eyes. "Where'd you get those?"

"What?" Caroline asked, offended. "I stole them from the guy who lives next door to us."

Anna's expression said, "Suuure."


	3. Christmas Morning and Mr Saggy Arse

A/N: I know I've been gone for a long time, my lovelies, but you must remember that I'm technically grounded. So be patient. I promise it's worth it. Wow, that sounded egotistical. Oh well.

-----

Christmas morning in Hogwarts had nothing on Christmas morning in the _Star Wars _universe. "Santa" had done "his" job well, and everyone had presents. They all decided to head out to the bridge (most in their pajamas) to tear into stuff.

Storm trooper TB314 stumbled out of his room in his heart-print boxers and immediately got mowed down by a forklift.

"Oh well," said Caroline remorselessly. "There's a million more like him, and now he won't miss his condoms."

Apparently, a lot of people had taken the note literally and got Anna and Caroline _lots _of presents. Thus the reason for the forklift.

When they and their forklift got there, the bridge was in complete chaos. Presents were being torn open, paper was being thrown everywhere, and "Thank you insert name here for the insert gift here" echoed throughout. Anna and Caroline joined in with gusto. At first, it was run-of-the-mill presents from people who barely knew them. Caffeine, processed sugar candy, chocolate, that sort of thing. Then, at nearly the same time (Anna got to hers first), they unearthed huge bags of glitter, shaving cream, and silly string. Party time.

Initially, Caroline just skipped around, showering glitter on everyone, paying special attention to people who mattered, like Vader, when Anna hit her with a simultaneous silly string/shaving cream shot.

War!

You think World War II was bad? The same person (RK097) who had given Anna and Caroline the ammo had given it to nearly everyone else as well. Even Vader joined in after someone hit him directly in the air-intake vent, but he sort of broke the spirit of the fight by hurling people around with the Force.

Eventually, so many people had been sent to the infirmary that it just wasn't fun anymore. Everyone but, you guessed it, Anna and Caroline (who had loads more presents to open) dispersed.

They continued unwrapping their gifts, having a contest to see who got the weirdest one. So far, Anna was in the lead with a miniature Jabba the Hutt that was actually alive, but Caroline's model of Qui-Gon's head made of Starburst had given it a run for it's money.

"How many points to you think this is worth?" Caroline asked, holding up a holo picture of the Death Star blowing up Alderon.

"Seven. This?" Anna had a giant lollipop with a phone number carved into it.

"Stalker. 8.3. What the hell is this?" She was staring, puzzled, at a green Styrofoam rectangle.

"Who's it from?"

She glanced at the black wrapping paper. "Lord Vader."

Anna found her own black wrapped package. Her Styrofoam was blue. She grinned evilly. "Training sabers!"

-----

Caroline had received an armor-piercing tranquilizer dart gun (6.5 points) that was impossible not to use. Soon Vader was out cold (her first two shots had hit him in the legs).

"If you want to decorate Lord Vader, come to the bridge," Anna announced over the intercom (which Vader had turned back on, thinking the torture was over).

A Dark Lord of the Sith had never looked so pretty. Vader had all kinds of cute bows on his mask, his cape had tissue paper glued to it to make it look pink, his armor was covered with wrapping paper to look like trendy clothes, and "hair" made out of ribbons was attached to some of the bows.

They were gone before he woke up. He had no idea he looked like the world's largest transvestite.

So of course that was the day the Emperor decided to visit.

-----

A/N: You know, I could leave you hanging here at this cliffie, hopelessly waiting, waiting, the anxiety clawing at your guts, wanting to know what happens next, but knowing it'll probably be two weeks before you find out. But I'm nice, so on with the story!

-----

The Emperor in real life is a lot different from the Emperor of the movies. He's still butt ugly, but his personality is way different. "Vader!" he said, disembarking from his shuttle. "How's my favorite…" he caught sight of his apprentice. "Shit! What the fuck happened here?"

"What?" Vader asked, then hastily added, "Master."

"Vader, you look like a woman!" said the Emperor, and summoned one of the shinier droids over to them.

Vader gasped.

"Why are you doing this, huh? Are you…well…experimenting? Because if you are, I understand completely. I know a great coun—"

"No," said Vader with a tone of finality. "I am _not _experimenting. Excuse me." He stormed out.

"Get me a G&T," His Imperial Wrinkliness said to the shiny droid (A/N: Gin and tonic).

A few minutes later, Vader, now de-decorated, returned with two smirking teenagers.

"Who are they," Palpy demanded, fiddling with the lemon in his G&T.

"Two humans from Earth, my master."

"Why are they here?"

Anna and Caroline exchanged a glance, stepped forward, and started singing again. They were very musical, these girls were. This particular song even had motions to it.

"_A long, long time ago, _

In a galaxy far away,

_Naboo was under an attack…"_

-Five and a half minutes later-

"_Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."_

Palpy was on his third G&T. "So they sang this little song, and you brought them here?"

"It is belittling to the Empire."

Caroline figured that she was in danger of being sent back to Earth for not being belittling enough, and jumped to act. If they got themselves sent back, Anna would kill her. Verbally, that is. She asked, "Palpy, how come your skin's so saggy? When's the last time you actually got someone to do it with you? Like, fifty million years ago?"

"See?" Vader said.

Normally the Emperor's visits lasted several weeks. He would arrive, take care of whatever business he needed to, then make up excuses to stay and lord it over Vader, drinking all of his booze and humiliating him with announcements like, "Vader! Get your plastic asthmatic ass to the…wherever I am…_now!_"

Anna and Caroline had him very drunk and back on his shuttle in 5 hours.

After His Imperial Ugly Old Sithiness was gone, Ana approached Vader. "So, about our Christmas gifts…?"

"I have decided that you will be trained in the ways of the Force."

-----

A/N: I like to end on an ominous note sometimes. Now you get to review.


	4. Grave Misue of Superglue

Bulletin! My last chapter had like a million typos, so I'm REPOSTING it! Yay!

-----

A/N: Review, please. I know that at least 20 people have looked at my new chapter…without one review. I understand if Anna doesn't review, because she can tell me her review over the phone…but the rest of you… yeah. I'm going to stop being all blah review and post the new chapter. Review. It's a cheap ego boost for me. And makes me more inclined to update frequently.

-----

They basically had a victory dance and Christmas candy party until late that night—well, more like late the next morning. At around 11, they appeared on the bridge (Vader spent way too much of his time there, poor thing. He really needed a hobby like birdwatching or a pet rock.), bright eyed, caffeinated, wearing hooded black capes they'd stolen from Palpy, and ready to learn.

-----

After an hour, Vader was wondering why he'd even tried to teach. He'd taken them to a bland looking room (it only had a little bit of junk in one corner) neither of them knew existed, and showed them the basics. Meditation, concentrating, etc. Then he'd moved onto the ABCs of using the Force. Picking up a box, lifting some rocks, standing on their heads. Stuff like that.

"OK, Caroline," Anna said loudly. "I'm gonna levitate you." She stuck out her hand and whispered, "Jump on three." In her regular voice she counted, "One…two…three!"

Vader had been brooding, wondering how this could happen to him, instead of paying attention to the girls. That is, until he saw, out of the corner of his eye, Anna and Caroline actually getting somewhere. "Do that again," he commanded.

They did that again. Anna's hand went up, Caroline jumped. Anna's hand came back down, so did Caroline. They smiled proudly at their accomplishment.

Vader buried his mask in his hands. "Keep practicing," he muttered.

-----

The training sabers that they were supposed to be using to practice were actually quite different from the training sabers that had been in their Christmas gifts (which were just barely recognizable as sabers so they'd know that Vader wanted to train them).

The difference wasn't exactly positive.

After three days of disastrous attempts at meditation and three more days of even more disastrous attempts to manipulate the Force, Anna and Caroline walked into the Torture Chamber—as they had dubbed it—to see Vader glaring at them and an array of parts on the floor at his feet.

"You will be building your lightsabers. They will not be fully functional. I do not trust you with one of those." He turned on his heel and stomped out.

"So how're we gonna build a lightsaber out of this?" Anna asked.

Caroline looked hurt and left out. "Hopefully we can build two lightsabers."

-----

The structures they turned out were slightly less than…well, let's just say that the girls weren't Anakin Skywalker.

"Look at this!" TK347 said to PA122, brandishing a disk at him.

122 looked at it without interest. "And…?"

347 sighed at 122's stubbornness. "808 has a hi-res projector. C'mon! You've got to see this!" He practically had to drag 122 to 808's room. He popped the disk into the projector, and the three troopers—122 reluctantly—gathered around to look at the hologram. It was a low-quality security hologram of the Torture Chamber. 347's main job was to watch the cameras and tell someone if a troop of Rebels suddenly appeared on the ship or something like that. Consequently, he saw a bunch of interesting stuff, but he thought this was so funny that he just _had _to share. The picture showed Anna and Caroline surrounded by lightsaber parts. Even with the hi-res projector, though, the picture was grainy. So they mostly relied on sound.

Anna: Where's this part go?

Caroline: I dunno. I know this'll fit! Shit. It broke.

Anna: Hand me the superglue.

Caroline: Here ya go.

Anna: Eyes! Shoot dang it!

Caroline: Oops. What's this? It looks like a giant condom.

Anna: What! Dear God, this stuff is getting everywhere.

Caroline: I'm serious. It's long and stretchy, and looks like something should go in it.

Anna: This is worse than mozzarella.

Caroline: Need help?

Anna: If you promise not to say 'condom.'

Caroline: Condom. Hey! Don't hit me!

Anna: You got glue on Master Yoda!

Caroline: You hit me Master Yoda! He's stuck to my face!

Anna: Get him off you!

Caroline: I can't.

Anna: Why not?

Caroline: Look at me!

Anna: My eyelids are stuck together.

Caroline: …

Anna: Caroline?

Caroline: Um…hello.

Anna: Hi!

Caroline: Not you. Um…hello, Lord Vader.

Anna: Well, this is awkward.

Caroline: Lord Vader, can you get Master Yoda off my face?

-----

"That's—so—funny!" 122 said between hysterical giggles.

347 glanced at 808. "Does he sound like a woman to you?"

"Yeah."

They grabbed 122's helmet and yanked ff. A curtain of dark hair fell out onto the plastoid suit.

347 and 808 exchanged another glance. The guy who they had spent so much time with, most of it telling dirty jokes, was a _girl_. No wonder they had only seen him…her…without his…her… helmet once. And that was a long time ago, when hi…her… hair had been shorter.

122 finally got control of herself, and looked at 347. "Oh, you know. Thank God. This suit is so freakin' uncomfortable. I hated wearing it around you."

808 was far more practical than 347 (who was thinking about how hot 122 was). "There's a new model?" he asked.

"Well, obviously."

"How many of you are there?"

"I'm not sure. Anyone with the letters PA, so at least 122."

"Who was your donor?"

The entire conversation was going completely over 347's head—who tended to think more with his genitalia, anyway. _She's gorgeous…_he thought again. It was the most could piece together in his mind. She was gorgeous, and didn't flinch at even the dirtiest joke.

"Well, it's a big secret," 122 was saying. "Vader was only told that the PA's were an upgrade. He doesn't know we're chicks."

"So who's your donor?"

122 leaned forward and whispered the name in 808's ear.

-----

A/N: Yes, a _plot!_ But, believe me, this thing with the troopers won't interfere with the insane adventures. Unless you decide you want the plot more, in which case, it will interfere. Big time. Oh, and anyone who can guess who the donor is (in a review) gets a cameo appearance. So review and guess.


	5. Where is Padme, Anyway?

A/N: Hey, people! Guess who's back! The fabulous me! Review. Or I'll beat you up. 333 Caroline

-----

"Lord Vader, will you get Master Yoda off my face?"

Silence greeted this seemingly innocuous question. Vader was assessing the damage. "It seems I should not have left you two alone," he finally said.

He was right. Their messy half-assembled lightsaber handles lay among a scattering of parts, and glue dripped from every crevice. Some parts had stuck to the handles because of this dripping glue. This was a disaster, even before the camera panned to where the two girls were. Anna and Caroline were guilty of grave misuse of superglue. Not only were they stuck to each other in several places, Anna's eyes were stuck closed, her hair was cemented to her forehead, as was Caroline's, and a Master Yoda beanie baby was attached to Caroline's cheek. An Admiral Piett action figure was glued to Anna's right arm.

Vader turned and walked out after his assessment. When he returned, he had a posse of med droids with him.

"No way," Caroline said. "Get those away from me."

"What?" Anna asked.

"Med droids."

Anna shrank back as far as she could, which was about half an inch.

"What is your objection to the medical droids?" Vader inquired coolly.

"We read _Dark Lord_."

"We know what they did to you."

"I don't want to wind up in a plastic suit."

Vader would've raised an eyebrow, if all the hair on his body hadn't been burned off. "You would rather have a Piett doll attached to you? Forever?"

Eventually, they decided to go ahead with what was ominously called the Procedure.

-----

Four horizontal metal surgical platforms simultaneously inclined to vertical. One platform had Anna, one Caroline, one Master Yoda, and one Admiral Piett. Anna and Caroline realized where they were, glanced at each other, and in unison said, "Where is Padme? Is she safe, is she…all right? I'm afraid she died...it seems in your anger, you killed her. I couldn't have! She was alive! I felt her! She was alive! It's impossible! No!" Then they burst out laughing. It was lucky for them that Vader was nowhere around.

It was here, also, that they had their first experience with the Force. A med droid was looking at them disapprovingly. They decided that they should try to reduce it to spare parts. Caroline tried, and nothing happened. Anna tried, and a couple of screws rattled loose. Then they had a brilliant epiphany.

Work together.

First, Anna tried to compress it, and Caroline tried to make it explode. Then, they realized what the other was doing and switched. Eventually, though, they managed to make the droid go boom.

Now who was disapproving?

-----

Caroline cleared the droid's head off one of the counters and sat on it. "We're behind schedule, you know."

"Oh, yes. Where should we be now?"

She pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket and consulted it. "Let's see…three chapters of adventures and general annoyance, 5 or more chapters of friendship with Vader, 4 or more chapters of him falling in lurve with one of us, 6 or more chapters of jealousy and torrid affairs 2 chapters of a new man arriving on the scene, and 7 or more chapters of jealousy and torrid affairs. Then one chapter of depression and death, and an epilogue of happiness."

"Oh, we're several chapters over on our adventures."

"And I think he'd rather kill us than love us."

"And I'm pretty sure he'd rather die than have torrid romance with either of us."

"And who would the new man be? Palpy?"

"Palpy?"

Caroline held her hand to her heard and said in an overdramatic voice, "He is all powerful, yet there is something he lacks. Can one girl redeem the fallen Emperor and show him the true meaning of love?"

They laughed, then threw the droid's body parts at each other.

Later, though, they had a long serious discussion. 5 months was long enough for them to be annoyances. They had gotten a major wake-up call about a week earlier, when Anna had overheard some troopers talking about Order 67—to toss them out of an airlock at Vader's command.

-----

A/N: I know it's a short chapter, but I'm in French, and the bell's about to ring.


	6. Duck and Cover!

A/N: It's been a long time, my lovelies, but here's the update! (PS, Caroline—me—is a WWE fan, FYI).

Disclaimer: I guess I never really did one of these, did I? Oh well. Star Wars doesn't belong to me, neither does Anna. I'm not doing this for profit, but feel free to send me money.

* * *

The next morning, they entered the Torture Chamber red-eyed from an all nighter, and subdued from hearing talk about Order 67 again. "Morning, Lord Vader," they said. It was by far the most unenthusiastic greeting he had ever gotten from them. But their lack of, "Yo! Big V! What's up in the hizouse, biznatch?" did not keep him from lecturing them. He railed for hours, it seemed, all about how inadequate they were. It didn't help their self-esteem any, but two good things did come of it. One, by the time he was done, they were so pissed at him that they forgot all about Order 67 and being nice, subdued little girls, and two, they discovered the mind-to-mind Force talking. 

Years later, many scholars would debate over which of the girls discovered it first. Some say Caroline, but it was Anna who did most of the work.

Caroline, about catatonic but still alive enough to be ticked at Vader, concentrated on the Force. Maybe she'd see a vision or something to entertain her. Sadly, there was no vision, only whiteness. _Kill me_, she thought as she withdrew, knowing she'd have to go back to listening to stuffy old Lord Vader.

A couple of moments later, she heard a reply. _What's he talking about now? I think I fell asleep._

_Anna E.?_

_Who else?_

_This is awesome!_

_Yeah! So what's he talking about?_

_Something about even Obi-Wan being ashamed of us, I think._

_Ouch!  
__  
Tell me about it. Should we show him?_

_Sure. Now's a good time. One… two… three… ignite._

Vader was still prattling about what a disappointment they were to any self-respecting Force user, and, yes, that meant the Jedi too, when he heard two snap hisses coming from right in front of him. Where the girls were…

He saw, with a start, that both girls had working lightsabers, Anna's blue, Caroline's green. _I must have left the storage locker unlocked, _he thought, irritated. "Where did you get those?" he demanded, though he already knew the answer. They had _stolen _them.

"We built them."

"That is impossible."

Anna smirked. "Nothing's impossible with the _Idiot's Guide to Lightsabers_."

Both of them felt a presence in their mind—Vader trying to see if they were lying. They tried to put up mental shields, but since they had known of their abilities for about a minute, the shields were about as good against Vader as tissue paper against a charging rhinoceros.

_Unbelievable… _Vader thought. He had not emerged from their minds unscathed, finding several disturbing things about Hayden Christensen and some half-naked sweaty men, but there was no indication that they were lying, and their stories matched.

* * *

Much as they hated to admit it, by the time two more months had passed, both Anna and Caroline knew—but would never admit it—that Vader had been…right. They weren't to be trusted with real working lightsabers. During sparring sessions, both wit druids and with each other, their famed grace had struck several times. Caroline had a couple of artificial fingers. Anna had a nasty burn on her shoulder that had nearly decapitated her right arm, and her hair was a shorter, but the follicles hadn't been scorched, so it was already growing again. 

Even with these…setbacks…the girls were actually improving. They had learned more about the Force, but not _that _much. Vader couldn't make them _too _strong, because of the politics. They were definitely Sith (but they refused to take up the red-bladed sabers, muttering something about 'mounties' whenever Vader broached the subject), and that was what they wanted (they practically idolized Qui-Gon and Master Yoda, but stuffed shirts like Obi-Wan and Mace Windu were also Jedi), but Darth Bane's 'only two' rule presented problems.

Caroline snuck up and put her hands over Vader's optical sensors. Lord Vader was sparring with Anna, and the young apprentices were not above cheating to hand Lord Vader his first defeat in 20 years.

Vader did lose the duel, but not because of Caroline's blinding. "Sir," a trooper announced, stepping through the door, "Emperor Palpatine's shuttle is approaching."

"Hide the rum," Caroline muttered, blatantly quoting to get a few cheap laughs.

"Very well," Vader replied. "We will finish this later," he told Anna, meaning the blue saber pointing at his control pane.

* * *

Palpy got out of his ship, and regarded the bowing Vader. "Get up," he commanded. 

"What is thy will, my master?"

Palpy spoke like he was talking to a three year old, not a Dark Lord of the Sith in his forties. "Are woo in wuv?"

The question startled Vader out of his respect. "What?" he demanded.

"You've kept these…girls on your ship for seven months! Which one are you boning?"

Vader spluttered, which was a first, or close to one. "I do not know what you're talking about."

Palpy rolled his eyes. "How dumb do you think I am? You haven't had any action since Panda Bear, or whatever her name was, bit it. C'mon. You're a guy. Obi-Wan didn't cut off your penis. Which one are you boning?"

* * *

Anna and Caroline loved their mind-to-mind abilities. It was especially great in the mess hall (it had a technical name, but bunches of troopers and officers all eating stringy pasty with runny sauce, for example, is definitely messy), where they were surrounded by other people. 

_Hey, Anna, check out Admiral Piett._

_Shoot dang it. Who's the redhead?_

_I dunno, but that's a pretty extreme bustier._

_Piett's got a girlfriend!_

_Ooh, scandalous. She looks like a red Wookie._

The two, who were sitting on opposite ends of the mess hall (Piett was in the middle), burst out laughing.

_She's looking at us._

_Weird. Do her eyes point different ways?_

_Maybe she's inbred._

They laughed loudly again.

_Hey. Anna E._

_What?_

_Food fight!_

Caroline lobbed her pudding—it was tapioca anyway—at the redhead, but missed, and it splattered on Piett's secretary—excuse me, Piett's aide. The secre—aide—a short, bulky man with an outrageous temper, stood up, fuming, and tossed his tray at where he thought the offending tapioca had come from. He missed as well, and hit one of the cafeteria druids, who responded with ladles for of salsa. Soon everyone joined in with gusto.

_It's pandemonium!_

_Caroline?_

_What? Pandemonium's a fun word._

_Holy hell!_

_What?_

_Ice down the shirt._

_Sorry. I meant to get the chick in the stormie armor._

_That was you?_

_You know, string cheese is really one of man's finest inventions…_

* * *

"I am not having sexual relations with either of those young girls!" Vader protested. 

Anna and Caroline had not learned to shield their conversations—they didn't even know they had to—so anyone more powerful than them heard what they thought to each other involuntarily. Palpy was opening his mouth to reply when, _Hey, Anna, check out Admiral Piett, _echoed through their minds. "So," the Wrinkled Wonder snarled, back in movie canon in a flash, "Your pillow talk includes the Force?"

They stood there in tense silence, unwilling participants in the girls' gossip, until a few minutes later when a filthy Anna and Caroline burst in.

"What are you doing here," Vader demanded, still defensive.

"Our ears burned."

"Were you talking about us?"

"Who _are _you?" Palpy asked, looking at them in slight wonder, taking in the fact that they were covered in food and completely unabashed, like they'd seen true mess, and liked it.

Anna stepped forward. "Got 30 down at the bottom, 30 mo at the top, all invisible set wit little ice cube blocks. If I could call it a drink, call it a smile on the rocks, if I could call out a price, lets say I call out a lot. I got like platinum and white gold, traditional gold, I'm changin girllz errday, like Jay change clothes."

Caroline stepped forward as well. "You don't have to love me. You don't even have to like me. But you _will_ respect me. You know why? Cause I'm a _boss_!" She smirked. _I think that went well._

_I can hear you, you know._

_Get out of my head, or my foot will bisect your butt._

* * *

A/N: I just have to say that that's it. It's shorter—and better—than my hard copy, so please review. But it's finished. Done. Completed. Much more in my hard copy, but a twisted plot was starting to emerge, but that was just too much. This is an Insane Adventure story, and almost all IA stories eventually abandon plotless annoyance. Let me just say, that, in conclusion, since nobody guessed, the donor of the chick storm troopers was Padme. Au revoir. If you have anything crazy that you think will happen to Anna and me in the future, then you're probably right. I've got a couple of good plot bunnies, but it'll probably be a while before I post, because I want to finish and rewrite a couple of times to put in actual foreshadowing and cliffies. So don't lose hope, even if my current project is a _Phantom _phic. Au revoir, once again. 

Review.

May the Force be with you.


End file.
